Feeling Treasured Blog

Tag: narcissist survivor

  • Reflections

    Small, Simple Things

    Something funny I realized the other day and I thought I would share this little nugget with you. I was struggling with my manual can opener, because they just don’t make those things like they used too. It seems that they rust over and just get stuck after a few months. 

    I thought to myself, “Wow I can finally get an electric can opener!” Now, you may think this is silly or even strange. But my ex-husband did not like “those things,” therefore I have never owned one. Then I realized, I have no idea HOW TO USE ONE! Which is probably even stranger to the average adult in America. Yet, here I am!

    I giggled to myself over the irony of this situation and the fact that I am 51 years old and I have no idea how to use an electric can opener. This is just a small example of what absolute control looks like in intimate relationships. During my marriage, I would have told you I did not want an electric can opener, even though I secretly did. 

    I now have the freedom to go and buy an electric can opener, but I still have to struggle over the decision. You would think it would be simple, an easy decision. But it is not, because not only am I battling the financial part of is this a want or a need? But I am battling an old enemy, one who has raised its old scared head once more. 

    The one that taught for years not to go against his wishes. The one that silenced me and told me I must always submit. The voice in my head that kept me sane and alive for decades. I must now battle that voice! Silence it once more and convince my subconscious mind that that voice is no longer needed in my life. I know that I am free, but parts of my body and subconsciousness have not yet accepted it. They still remember the consequences of disobedience. Even over something as simple as a can opener.

    I still have not bought the can opener. I am still processing the options. Working through the necessity of whether or not it is actually needed. But the lesson, for those of you who never knew, that is what it is here to share. Yes, it is a small, simple thing, but small, simple things sometimes are huge. 

    You are treasured more than you can ever know by our Father!

    ~~Ana

  • Worthy Beyond Measure

    If you are out there and your life looks picture perfect from the outside and everyone thinks you should be happy and you have the perfect Facebook life. But you feel like you’re drowning on the inside. You look in the mirror and you hate what you see, you have invisible scars, and you feel absolutely broken You feel like your life has no value and you feel like you are worthless. I’m here to tell you that you are not! I’m here to tell you today that you have value. I’m here to tell you today that you have worth. I’m here to tell you today that you are loved. I’m here to tell you today that the Creator of all things loves you! He created the mountains, the oceans, the stars, the universe, EVERYTHING! And He sent His Son for you! How much do your children mean to you? They are priceless, no one could compare! Yet He sent His Son down to be spit on, abused, tortured, ridiculed, and murdered.

    Painting by Kayla Knowles for Unbound Treasures a Domestic Abuse Survivors group.

    https://brushandcrown.com

    And Jesus knew! He knew it was going to happen BEFORE He came down and He came anyway!!! All. For. You.You matter that much! You ARE worthy beyond measure, because who could put a price on that sacrifice? His love for you is so great, that Christ paid for it with His life, and then overcame death to rise again!
    Ladies! Our worth and our value doesn’t come from our husbands or our picture perfect homes. It doesn’t come from our jobs or families. It doesn’t come from our looks, it doesn’t even come from within, it comes from being daughters of the Most High King! From being loved and forgiven by a God who will never change and will never leave us or forsake us! We are His warrior princesses and we have worth beyond measure! We only have to accept it!


    ~~Ana Berger

    “Christ and His Bride” by Kayla Knowles for Unbound Treasures a Domestic Abuse Survivors group.

    https://brushandcrown.com

  • Christmas Joy?

    I was sitting here trying to figure out when Christmas went from my favorite time of year to something I almost dreaded.

    How does that even happen? How does the happiest season, the season of peace on earth and goodwill towards man, become one of depression and anxiety?

    I was the person who put Christmas music on in September! I started shopping in January for the next Christmas! My kids never knew a lean Christmas because I was savvy and hit the clearance racks and sales all year long. Christmas cookies, crafts and a house overly decorated was what they grew up knowing.

    I went over the top every year to ensure they never missed the empty spot of where their dad should have been. He was no longer in the Navy, but he was never home either. Working as a salary manager for the nation’s largest realtor meant long days and no time off.

    I tried so hard to fill their days with love and Christmas memories. We loved baking cookies together and pumpkin bread. It is a family tradition my two oldest daughters have continued.

    I was not even going to put up a tree this year. I am now living alone for the first time in my life. I did not really see the point. I always thought it was sad when people didn’t decorate for Christmas, but the last few years, I have understood more and more. It has simply become another day of the year.

    After spending last Christmas night alone and almost every holiday alone last year, despite having all my kids close by. I have learned that holidays are not what they used to be to me anymore. The meaning and magic has left.

    Maybe it is the fact that I found out about most of his affairs at Christmas time. I just waited until after Christmas for confirmation. Or I simply outgrew the idea of romance and happy endings.

    One thing I know for sure, the lights, the tree, the gifts, the cookies, none of that are the reason we should even be celebrating Christmas.

    Christmas is about the birth of our Lord. This should be a time of holy reverence, not a jolly holiday. We should be remembering a King who came humbly to be born in a stable.

    When I think of His great gift of love and humble beginnings, I think I can maybe find a new reason to start to love Christmas again. Not a flashy, big showy Christmas like I always did before.

    But a small humble, Christmas. One filled more with love and appreciation of our Savior and less of gifts. One of quiet prayer and reflection and less credit cards. And maybe, just maybe I will find joy again too.

    ~~Ana

    My little Christmas Tree

    2025

  • About Me

    Hello, my name is Ana. I am discovering who I am after spending 32 years in a painful and controlling relationship with my ex-husband. WOW! That is a lot to unpack, right? However, there is beauty from ashes in my 6 children and 7 grandchildren.

    Because of that, and other childhood things, I have found I have a life story to share. Actually, my story is many stories that over the years became one. Isn’t that how life is? We journey along through it, thinking we are simply living, but in truth we are gaining experience, knowledge, wisdom, and trauma.

    Since my ex-husband is retired Navy and then we both worked for the largest retailer in the world, we moved quite often. I have had the advantages and disadvantages of living in several different parts of this amazing country! I grew up in southern California and that is where we met.

    We moved often – to the east coast of Virginia to eastern Virginia, Pennsylvania, Arizona, Tennessee, Ohio and finally settled in Indiana. Each place brought a new culture, new people, new challenges and new lessons.

    I realized that each of those experiences has shaped me in different ways. I have always been a “people person”, but I learned to adapt, to gain different perspectives and to view the world in ways that living in a single place my entire life would never have allowed me to do.

    It will take me some time to unpack everything and share what I feel safe sharing with you. If I can help even one other person, everything I have gone through will have been for a purpose. I do know one thing; I would not still be here now if it wasn’t for the will and love of our Lord.

    It was Christmas night 2024, and I was utterly alone for the first time in my life. My children were gone. To say I was devastated, is an understatement. I felt like every ounce of joy had drained from my life. But that night of abandonment became sacred. In my lowest moments, the Lord met me where I was.

    That night, as I cried out to God, I learned what it was to truly surrender. I learned what it was to truly ask for forgiveness and to forgive. I began by envisioning a giant platter and started piling every sin, everything I had ever done that I could remember on it. Then I handed it to the Lord. I repeated this process with everything anyone had ever done to me, and this was HARD! Again, I handed it to the Lord.

    At some point that night I know I was singing praises while I was weeping, (I found I could not sleep without either praise music or scripture playing). When I finally surrendered and stopped fighting, I felt the Holy Spirit come upon me as I praised through my tears. I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going, but I knew that I needed to trust Him. So, I did. I fully surrendered my will and made a decision to trust in the Lord.

    I woke up tired, but powerful the next morning! I made it through that night! And many, many more. I have learned that you do not need to understand what the Lord has planned or why, you simply need to trust in Him! That trust gives you this amazing understanding without understanding! It gives you peace, that defies words! Defies explanation, it just fills you with the knowledge that you will be ok. No matter what happens, you will be ok!

    “…Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid; just believe,””

    – Mark 5:36 (NIV)

    “And do not fear those who can kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both body and soul in hell.”

    – Matthew 10:28 (ESV)

    Throughout all of this I learned something profound and life changing! When we suffer abuse, we begin to feel worthless and as if we have no value to this world. But if the Creator of all things-the sun, the mountains, universe, everything- He thinks we are worthy enough to send His son down here. How much do you love your children? Now, just imagine how much the Father loves His only Son!

    And this is the amazing part; Jesus knew everything that would happen to Him before He came and came anyway! Jesus came anyway to be spit on, abused, ridiculed, tortured, and murdered – for us! Because we matter that much to God! We are literally more valuable to Jesus than His own life! Then I say we are worthy beyond measure! This is how I am learning to be treasured.

    Thank you for sharing in my journey. I pray that my story touches you and through it you find that you are treasured.