I was sitting here trying to figure out when Christmas went from my favorite time of year to something I almost dreaded.
How does that even happen? How does the happiest season, the season of peace on earth and goodwill towards man, become one of depression and anxiety?
I was the person who put Christmas music on in September! I started shopping in January for the next Christmas! My kids never knew a lean Christmas because I was savvy and hit the clearance racks and sales all year long. Christmas cookies, crafts and a house overly decorated was what they grew up knowing.
I went over the top every year to ensure they never missed the empty spot of where their dad should have been. He was no longer in the Navy, but he was never home either. Working as a salary manager for the nation’s largest realtor meant long days and no time off.
I tried so hard to fill their days with love and Christmas memories. We loved baking cookies together and pumpkin bread. It is a family tradition my two oldest daughters have continued.
I was not even going to put up a tree this year. I am now living alone for the first time in my life. I did not really see the point. I always thought it was sad when people didn’t decorate for Christmas, but the last few years, I have understood more and more. It has simply become another day of the year.
After spending last Christmas night alone and almost every holiday alone last year, despite having all my kids close by. I have learned that holidays are not what they used to be to me anymore. The meaning and magic has left.
Maybe it is the fact that I found out about most of his affairs at Christmas time. I just waited until after Christmas for confirmation. Or I simply outgrew the idea of romance and happy endings.
One thing I know for sure, the lights, the tree, the gifts, the cookies, none of that are the reason we should even be celebrating Christmas.
Christmas is about the birth of our Lord. This should be a time of holy reverence, not a jolly holiday. We should be remembering a King who came humbly to be born in a stable.
When I think of His great gift of love and humble beginnings, I think I can maybe find a new reason to start to love Christmas again. Not a flashy, big showy Christmas like I always did before.
But a small humble, Christmas. One filled more with love and appreciation of our Savior and less of gifts. One of quiet prayer and reflection and less credit cards. And maybe, just maybe I will find joy again too.
~~Ana
My little Christmas Tree
2025
